Adapt and Die

It’s both/and, not either/or…

Can it truly be the case that death awaits us all? You bet your humanity it does. Do I act like it? Do I live like I could “leave life right now” like Marcus talked about? All that Memento Mori mumbo jumbo? Not even close. Me and Death have a weird relationship. It’s been off and on for years. I don’t know how to quit you. But at the same time, you scare the living daylights out of me. It’s an emotional roller coaster if there ever was one.

I feel like that’s the human condition though. We run around all worried about living a full life. Then we get bogged down in what that might look like. Then we get anxious about being on the “wrong” path, doing the “wrong” thing. Then, next thing you know, we’re eighty-three, on our death bed, with absolutely zero rad stories to tell about love or danger or intrigue or embarrassment or triumph. Ugh!! When I define and accept my relationship with death, I open my potential to cultivate increased adaptability in my daily decision making. Then I can live a life with a little less unnecessary mental suffering.

When it comes to death and how I relate to it, the only thing I know is that I need to take a long hard look at my unconscious. Life is hard enough without having an existential crisis whirling around in my head like milk in my son’s stomach before a 45-minute car ride. All that clumpy foulness will want to come out, and it will most likely happen when I’m in the dark, on a country road, and in the rain so I can’t roll down my damn windows. Oh, the humanity! Waffling leads to confusion and an inability to create structure. Without structure and a clear vision to apply my processes to, how can I possibly hope to generate any sort of sustainable life-long growth?

I can only begin to generate the life I know is best for me once I get clear on what that might look like, even in its most general form. If I’m constantly worried about the unknowns of death, the inevitable intrusive thoughts because I’m a monkey in a tree with a snake below, I’ll never get off “the garden path,” like Jane talked about. I’ll flit along in this weird culture I was born into and be a statistic, a mirage, a cog, a squirrel trying to get some Chick-Fil-A waffle fries.

I thought adult problems were hard until I really started implementing adult solutions. Adult solutions are fucking hard. But it’s not that adult problems are so big and complex that they invoke big and complex solutions that gets me. The issue is with adult escapism. Adulty escapes routes can be extremely fucking dangerous. Drugs, violence, crazy risky behaviors like jumping off buildings with a parachute. Worse, suicide becomes a very real possibility because the adult imagination can run wild with all the different ways that we can end it.

I mean for fuck’s sake, there was a show back in the day on Spike network called “1000 Ways to Die.” All they talked about were these random ways that people died, going so far as to label some of them as “comical.” Exposure to death in unhealthy ways not backed up by a deeper understanding of the human condition greatly influences the processes we choose to rule our lives. When we glorify death porn in our day-to-day, in our music, in every-fucking-thing, why would we expect anyone to have a solid relationship with death, especially their own? If I don’t have a solid relationship with death, my behaviors are going to reflect that. If I believe that death can’t happen, I’m going to make stupid knee-jerk decisions in the moment that are not rooted and grounded in long-term consequences.

How have I formed my relationship with death? How have I formed my thoughts around death? What the fuck am I even doing here?!?

“Sorry, mama, there are times I get carried away,” you know? Mac Demarco?

Adaptability is a muscle that can be built, worked, and grown over time. When I was homeless, I worked it. When I go on long trail runs, I work it. Being an alcoholic who couldn’t hold down a job I had to work it. As a medic I had to work it. As a sniper I had to work it. Working with students I have to work it. As a musician it’s better if I work it, though given what wins Grammy’s nowadays I’m not sure it’s totally needed. But that’s simply how I like to write music. I have adapted to so many situations in my life, I’ve worked my adaptability muscle so much, that I’m no longer afraid to step into situations which require it.

But the anxiety it still there, an undercurrent, because I still fear death.

Ok, well, I mean, perhaps I should rephrase that since you won’t be cool about it. My confidence from doing it so much has allowed me to have more courage in the face of the fear that has always, and will always, be there. I’ve finally gotten to a place where I feel like I might be able to trust myself. What’s even better is I don’t feel like trusting myself has to be such a random occurrence like it used to be. I’ve proven to myself by adapting to difficult situations time and again that I can be trusted to come through in the clutch. That is a type of peace of mind that I haven’t been able to find anywhere. I’m slowly getting comfortable in this skin suit that I’ve made an ass of myself in so many times.

Death is change, and change is the only constant, so getting better at change is the only path toward sustainable peace of mind. I talk a lot about peace of mind because, for me, it is truly the most important facet of my mental health maintenance. It all hinges on the trust I have for myself to make the proper decisions for the long term rather than short term pleasure.

Future Marcus, he’s one lucky prick. That dude has no idea the work I put in to help him out, but also how much faith I have in his ugly ass. He smells funny, but he has a heart of gold.

Later tater.

-Marcus