Feel the Void

When I am knee-deep in six projects at once I bitch and moan about, “Oh, I can’t wait until this is done! I hate this shit! Why did I agree to do this! Blah, blah, blah…” Then, when there is a void, I go all-in on whatever passion project I find, over commit myself, and repeat the same freaking feedback loop. Rather than fill the void, I need to feel that shit.

When I finish something, whether it’s a project, a long run, anything that takes a lot of time and effort, there is always a feeling of loss. I recently completed the writing portion of my master’s thesis. I’ve been working on it for almost two years. I’ve had to defer completion, and therefore graduation, twice. If you’ve read any of my previous entries, you might have an idea why the delay. Suffice it to say, life has dealt me quite a few serious blows this year that have been tough to navigate. The fact that I even finished the writing is astonishing. I wanted to quit not even a full week ago. This degree has taken so much of my time and energy, and I can’t help but think about how my working on it put a fatal strain on my marriage. Too much too fast.

That’s been the theme of my life for a while now. I get too much too fast and then I destroy what I’ve been given. Then I have nothing. This pattern has played out a few times over my adult life. I told a friend not long ago, “In my life I’ve either had full freedom and debauchery or no freedom and success. I’ve never had full freedom and success.” Well, right now I’m experiencing somewhat full freedom (my car is almost fixed!) and the beginnings of what I call success. It’s exciting to think about, but also leads me to what I was talking about before.

With success comes the completion of big works. For me, this paper is leaving a huge hole in my life. If reminds me of when I got back from Iraq. I would wake up in the middle of the night and freak out because I couldn’t find my weapon. In a combat zone, your weapon becomes a part of you. Not only do you need it in case the shit hits the fan, but if you don’t have it, or worse misplace it, there is a Sergeant Major somewhere that will destroy your world. He is waiting behind a bush to fuck you up. When I would wake up freaking out? I was at home. In Kentucky. In my childhood home. I was conditioned to always be thinking about that weapon. Turns out this paper has had the same effect on me. For two days I’ve not really known how to feel.

Today I have a little relief and peace of mind, but I know that is going to be short lived. I know how I operate. In a few days I will be looking for some other project to fill that void. When I am knee-deep in six projects at once I bitch and moan about, “Oh, I can’t wait until this is done! I hate this shit! Why did I agree to do this! Blah, blah, blah…” Then, when there is a void, I go all-in on whatever passion project I find, over commit myself, and repeat the same freaking feedback loop. I do a lot of things sort of ok when I need to be doing a few things extremely well. Thus, the point of this essay.

Yes, it looks like I’m about to complete a master’s degree. That’s rad, but I’ve won before. This is simply another win, something that I knew was coming. Yes, it feels good to have it done, but I still have quite a few things currently going. Rather than filling the void with something new, it’s time for me to go hard as hell on what’s left. It’s time for my fitness to come back. It’s time to double down on this writing, the writing I enjoy, rather than all the scholarly writing. I love a good historical analysis as much as the next guy, but this writing is my real voice. This writing is authentically me through and through, un-fucking-censored.

I finished the paper and that feels great, but I still have to defend it. I’ll relax after I walk across that stage. For now, there is still plenty of work to be done. It’s time for me to channel the energy I was putting into my degree into creating something that is 100% my own.

Our focus is much easier to manage, and direct, when we are doing the things that fill us up. It’s easy to get lost on a path that is assigned to us. I was on a path that I was 100% sure was my own, but I now believe it was only about 60% my idea. I have zero regrets about the process I’ve taken so far, but I’m at a point where a pivot might be the right answer. I’m finally beginning to learn that that is ok. I’m thirty-five years old. I still have time, but not nearly as much as I did. Now is the time for me to show myself what the hell I’m truly made of.

Don’t sleep.

-Marcus