Mark, the Shadow, and the Scared Little Boy

In order to rediscover myself, I had to completely lose the man I was. The life I had grown so comfortable with had to all go away.

By Marcus Thornton

I feel my focus growing stronger. There is anger inside of me. I’ve never felt myself become so maniacal about a moment like this, though. I’ve never used my anger as fuel to do the right and productive things. I’ve only ever allowed it to take me down a path of destruction. That is the paradox of still living as an immature little boy while inhabiting the body of a grown-ass man. I was existing as a slave to my impulses while believing myself to be free.

It’s a tough pill to swallow, accepting that my notions of reality have been off. Not only off, but blatantly false and counter productive at times. But that’s the moment, I believe, when a person crosses the threshold into adulthood. Only when I became habituated to questioning my beliefs and being willing to change them did I start the process of becoming my mature self. The beauty really lies in everything that comes as the result of carrying out the process. To be clear, I’m still the FNG. (see Fucking New Guy.)

Humility has been the greatest gift I’ve received from the events of this year. I’ve been knocked down a peg, cut down to size, and frankly, beaten the fuck up. There is a rut carved in the proverbial mud with likenesses of my face scattered about the walls. Everything has been taken away. Yes, it hurts, but it needed to happen. I needed to lose everything in order to fully understand what is important to me. Every single aspect of my life is hard right now. That is partially by design, but also due to many things way beyond my control. Accepting that I can’t dictate the behavior of humans, even in the most extremely uncomfortable situations that modern day humans might ever face, has been a huge obstacle for me to overcome. I’ve been helped along on this path by being forced to navigate the judicial system which moves in its own dimension of existence. The human understanding of space and time does not apply to the ancient institution, and so humility and patience have been traits forced upon me, to my benefit.

I’ve had a lot of time to reflect since the beginning of the year. For the better part of my life, I have placed a lot of value on how externals make me think and feel. My journey in life has facilitated the development within me of a Shadow that craves validation from others. The Shadow seeks shiny objects and distractions to boost dopamine, only to face the inevitable hangover of self-loathing. The external was always loud enough so that my internal voice could not be heard. Yes, this was often intentional. When the internal voice did come up on my radar, I cranked the external volume knob relentlessly. More booze. More miles. More books. More promises. Anything to make you love me!!! Whoa… Anyway… All that “more” ultimately led to less. Less self-worth. Less friends. Less trust in my relationships, in both directions. Less trust in myself. Less ME.

In order to rediscover myself, I had to completely lose the man I was. The life I had grown so comfortable with had to all go away. Upon digging deep, I found a guy I often don’t like, let’s call him Mark. I also found a scared Little Boy who simply wants to feel safe and loved. Digging deeper, I found my two sons. Then, I found Future Marcus. The prospect of becoming him makes me scared and nervous in different ways, leading me to believe that’s the path I need to follow. After all, on the journey to becoming Future Marcus I will interact with the Little Boy and that arrogant fool, Mark. I have to understand them so I can make friends with them.

They are me after all.

-Marcus

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