Taken, Not Given
Taken, Not Given
Confidence is a term often thrown around in self-help circles, but not all confidence is created equal. There’s a vast difference between the superficial guise of unearned confidence and the deep-seated assurance that comes from truly earning it. Earned confidence is forged through adversity, molded by the trials we overcome. It’s a topic close to my heart because my journey has been anything but easy. From the depths of homelessness and alcoholism, to having children, buying a home, finding ultra trail running, and now facing one of the most difficult periods of my life, my confidence was not handed to me—it has been earned through sweat, blood, tears, and mud.
Earned confidence is not about pretending to be fearless or pretending to know all the answers. It’s about the quiet assurance that you can face whatever life throws at you because you’ve been through hard shit and came out stronger. Unlike the fugazi confidence that crumbles at the first sign of trouble, earned confidence is resilient. It’s the result of repeatedly facing challenges, learning from failures, and continuously pushing your limits. It’s rooted in self-awareness and honesty, acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses, and knowing you have the tenacity and potential to grow. Everything else is entitlement disguised as aloofness.
There was a time in my life when confidence seemed like a pipe dream. I was homeless, battling alcoholism, and had hit rock bottom. My days were consumed by the struggle to survive, and my nights were, at the best of times, filled with a fog, alone. But even in that darkness, a small, stubborn spark refused to die. That spark was the belief that I could be more than my circumstances. I would run miles to prove to myself that things weren’t as bad as they actually were. I operated in the world in a way that appeared full of confidence. I was a scared little boy in a man’s body, too afraid to be sober. A clear head brought demons. The only way I knew to get through was to run, literally and metaphorically.
The journey out of that pit was neither quick nor easy. It began with small steps—admitting I had a problem, seeking help, and finding a community that supported my recovery, even going into in-patient treatment. Each day sober was a victory, each challenge a chance to rebuild my shattered self-esteem. Now, those small victories have accumulated into a foundation of confidence. I’ve learned that I can face my demons and that each battle won makes me stronger and more assured. Every time I have the integrity to do exactly what needs to be done, what I say I will do, when no one is looking, when the chips aren’t fully down, before the boats are burning, I reassure myself that I am who I say I am. Who is that?
This is my creed: “Honor, duty, resilience, mastery. I am a self-led warrior. I adapt and learn by overcoming obstacles. I am a man of my word. I communicate effectively. I respect all beings. I am kind to others. I am disciplined. I own my cognition and my behavior. I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul. I am the axe that clears the forest.” That’s who the fuck I am.
If taming my addictions was the crucible that forged my initial confidence, trail running has been the hammer and anvil that continue to shape it. I remember my first trail run of any real distance vividly—the sheer physical exhaustion, the mental battles, the moments when quitting seemed so tempting.
But with each step, I discovered a resilience I never knew I had.
Trail running, especially ultra marathons, is a relentless test of endurance, both physical and mental. It’s about pushing past the point of comfort, embracing the pain, and finding joy in the struggle. At the Y’allhalla 50 miler I hit the wall hard around mile 30. My legs screamed in protest, I couldn’t quench my thirst, and my mind wavered. But I kept going, one step at a time, drawing on the strength I had earned through years of hardship. Crossing that finish line was not just a personal victory; it was a testament to the power of earned confidence. It reminded me that no matter how tough the journey, I have the grit to see it through. It was a win to put on the stack, a big fucking win. Making the podium in that race was the permission I’ve been looking for to go harder. I didn’t know I needed it until I got it. Now, it’s literally off to the races.
Discipline and resilience are the twin pillars of earned confidence. Discipline is daily commitment to your goals, the relentless pursuit of improvement, and the willingness to put in the work, even when it’s hard, and especially when no one is giving two shits. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks, to see failure not as a defeat but as a learning opportunity. Consistency, despite the setbacks, despite the hate, the naysayers, the fear, that’s what builds the strongest muscle. Every time my mind says to my body, “listen, this is fucking happening, so you better just get with the program,” then I execute, my confidence grows. I am in charge of the faucet, not culture, not society. Me. Now that’s agency. That’s earned confidence.
Earned confidence has permeated every aspect of my life. In my personal relationships, it has given me the strength to be vulnerable and honest. As a father, it has allowed me to model resilience and discipline for my children, showing them the value of hard work, perseverance, and staying authentic and true to yourself, despite how uncomfortable it can be at times. In my professional life, particularly as a coach and coordinator, it has empowered me to inspire others. I help my clients and students build their own confidence by sharing my journey and encouraging them to face their challenges head-on. Earned confidence is not just about personal success; it’s about lifting others up and helping them discover their own strength. The true savages move through the world observing and serving. We already know we have something, we’ve found it, and so we know it is up to us to help others get to that most foundational piece of knowledge: the KNOWING that I AM IN CHARGE OF ME.
Earned confidence is a powerful, transformative force. It is born from struggle and sustained by discipline and resilience. It has shaped my life, from overcoming homelessness and addiction to conquering ultra marathons and guiding others in their journeys. To those seeking to build their own earned confidence, I offer this advice: Embrace your challenges, learn from your failures, and never shy away from the hard work. Confidence is not given; it is earned, and the journey to earn it is one of the most rewarding paths you can take. That being said, buckle up. The path can get dark and lonely. Stay the course. You’ll never know what could be if you quit.
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