What am I so Afraid of?!

“There are more things … likely to frighten us than there are to crush us; we suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” -Seneca

I am slowly beginning to become the man I know I can be. Honestly, though? The process of changing is scary. But why?

Stepping into the unknown always brings with it so much fear, but what about becoming my ideal self is unknown? I know who I am. I know who I want to be. I know what needs to be done to become that version. The unknowns are rare at this point. This is an inside job. That means most of the variables I will contend with are within me and therefore within my control. So, there are way more knowns than unknowns, so perhaps I’m more afraid in my own imagination…

I’m afraid of how hard the work is going to be, but that’s silly considering all the hard things I’ve already done in my life. I run marathons, alone, on steep technical terrain. I’ve worked blacktop in the north country of upstate New York. I’ve been to war (Iraq ’06-’07). I worked on a horse farm helping to break Saddlebred colts. I grew up welding for hours at a time in the back of garbage trucks. I’ve been homeless, twice. Sorry, dude, but “the work is hard” is quite the bullshit excuse…

I’m afraid of letting others down, and that one feels like a legit fear. My life isn’t all about me anymore. My children need me to be a certain type of man. That’s true for my friends, family, students, and colleagues as well. There is a very tangible reality where the consequences of my failures are not my own. Should that fear keep me where I am? Absolutely not. I can use that fear as fuel to keep going when I want to quit. That fear can propel me to do the next right thing even when I’m tired and want to take a short cut. Service to others, especially my children, is a huge part of my “why.” Pressure like that is a privilege, one I do not take lightly.

The conclusion I am coming to is that fear of any type of growth is completely irrational and, frankly, fucking stupid. It’s the whole “devil you know” paradox. We would rather swim in the shit stew we’re used to than the potentially pristine waters of the unknown. “What if” is the powerful phrase in the English language I know besides “Send It.” “What if” has the power to shoot me to the moon. It also has the capacity to instantly bury me in the depths of the fear driven mind. The beauty is in the humanity. The beauty is in the choice.

Choose wisely.

Keep going.

-Marcus